Director: Guerdon Trueblood
Year: 1973
Genre: Crime/Thriller

Few words can really describe how truly bizarre The Candy Snatchers is. I’m hardly shocked now-a-days but my dear lord this was one of the best experiences I’ve had. The movie is hilarious, intentionally or unintentionally I couldn’t say, but I certainly did not expect such a bizarre film. The film opens with young 16 year old Candy (Susan Sennett) who is walking home from school; she is the only cast member who isn’t clinically insane. What she doesn’t know is that she’s about to be kidnapped by three “stick it to the man!” criminals: Jessie (Tiffany Bolling), her calm, sadistic brother Alan (Brad David), and an ex-soldier Eddy (Vince Martorano). It also helps that the credits play through this introduction with “Money is the root of all happiness” playing to it. The title appears under the three of them wearing goofy glasses.

She decides it would be best to hitchhike her way close to home. The trio takes this opportunity to nap her. “Calm down, you’re just being kidnapped.” One of them tells her. Candy tries to take her blindfold off, and Alan starts toying with her, blowing in her ear and such. The gang decides to stash her, as according to Jessie’s plan in a coffin, on the top of a remote hill. The screams Candy makes are truly horrific, and the way the trio handle themselves regarding the situation is beyond comical. It makes an unsettling experience for the viewer. They bury her and as the drive away we are introduced to young mute Sean (Cristophe, that’s right, one name.) who has seen it all. But if he could only talk! His mother is calling for Sean by ringing a large cowbell. “Sean! SEAN-NEW-TON!!!” she screams, in hillbilly fasion.

Sean’s parents are more than awful. At this moment, I realize that everyone in this movie, with the exception of Candy and Sean are truly horrific people, and I have yet to meet the rest of the cast. Candy’s father, an owner of a jewelers shop, might be the worst of them all. The gang’s plan is going well so far, and they tell Candy’s father about the entire situation via telephone. He is meant to gather all the diamonds in the store in exchange for Candy. His reaction kicks off the oncoming freight train of weirdness. He doesn’t say a word, and starts looking around, asking his employees to leave one by one. We cut back and forth between Sean and his parents on route to an important dinner, and the gang celebrating their current situation. Sean notices the van, and tries to warn his father, but this only aggravates his father. Avery (Ben Piazza), Candy’s father, is home and is asking his wife if Candy came home. We find a sense of dread in the air. She doesn’t reply and he tells her that Candy has slept over at a friend’s house. He definitely has plans for something… It turns out that Avery’s wife is an alcoholic and he’s cheating on her with his secretary.

Now it’s the truly bizarre; one of the most fucked up, wickedly evil moment of this film. Sean and his parents are at his father’s boss’s house, preparing for dinner when his boss decides to play around with Sean. “Kid’s love me, I can do anything with them, anything, just watch this.” He says. “Just exactly what did you see… what? Cat gotchur tongue?” It is at this moment that he is informed by Sean’s parents that Sean doesn’t talk. “What do you mean he doesn’t talk, all kids talk.” “Not ours. He has some sort of problem.” “Problem? Ya hear that mother! Doesn’t talk, who ever heard of a kid that doesn’t talk?!” He starts to laugh maniacally. Even young Sean is so confused by his behavior. I cannot describe how utterly weird it is. It is the first real explosion of weirdness. One of many.

It turns out that Sean’s father won’t be getting that big promotion anymore because of a kid who doesn’t talk! His parents rip young Sean out of the car and send him to his room. His mother doesn’t want to see him again. A little later, she grabs Sean from his bead and starts beating him senseless. I’m telling you, everyone is fucked up in this movie.

So now Avery hasn’t shown up for the drop and the gang is getting worried, their simple perfect crime was not so simple and perfect anymore. They decide to take Candy out of the coffin and take her into the house. They feed her, and it turns out that Eddy isn’t that bad of a guy after all, he takes her to the bathroom to let her use the toilet. This is when I start to realize how much I like Candy, how well Susan Sennett plays her and how frightening her cries are. Candy is certain she will be killed, where as Eddy is promising her safety. Once Candy falls asleep, the gang starts revising their plan. Eddy clearly states how he does not, and will not work for the man, not him, uh-uh! They decide the best course of action would be to cut her ear and send it in a box. They record Candy screaming for her fathers help, her screams are both horrifying and hilarious at the same time. One cannot help but laugh at the inaudible screams, but a true sense of death and despair is easily noticeable. They decide that there are easier ways of getting an ear; they head to the morgue where we meet good ol’ Charlie, a jivin’ motherfucka who sewed a finger at 10:00 for $35. But it’s inside the morgue that I got a weird feeling that he’s into necrophilia, the way he caresses the dead bodies screams passion.


From here the trio’s plans starts to go a-wire. They start ad-libbing the fate of Candy and their plan. We find out Avery’s true intentions and the fact that he’s Candy’s Stepfather. We also see the trio start to turn on each other while trying to stay on course. Sean tries to save Candy by using a doll that screams “Police! Open up!” but reaches a delicatessen instead; another bizarre scene. The trio shares a comical connection which makes their moments on screen believable. The scenes where the gang meet Candy’s mother are very amusing. Another shed on the terrible parenting Sean receives is evident when his mother tries to feed him downers to put him to sleep. There is another rape scene that is truly the most unsettling moment of this film. The finale is so great that I mustn’t tell you.

The acting is great, considering all things in play. Enough cannot be said about Susan Sennett’s portrayal of Candy. Without her sweet, innocent and cute display, the film would be nothing. Same can be said for everyone else. If they weren’t so over the top I wouldn’t be interested in Candy’s fate. Ben Piazza plays the heartless stepfather with obscurity perfectly. The film screams 70’s with every vibrant heartbeat. The fact that Candy and Sean are the only two sane people of the film helps the audience to connect with them, allowing us to feel more frightened when it comes to her fate. Cristophe (Sean) is able to communicate fluently without sounds or words, but rather by facial expressions. It’s remarkable how well he does it as well.


The Candy Snatchers contains some great twists and turns, and a lively script that is as funny as it is brutal and malicious. With an overlapping element of bizarre characters this movie represents how money may in fact be the root of all happiness, but obtaining the money certainly is not. Some consider this movie pale in comparison to Last House on the Left, but I disagree; The Candy Snatchers involves some pretty horrific and menacing themes and situations. And by pretty, I mean Candy. Trueblood finishes the film with a brilliant overhead crane shot that would put Wes Craven to shame. The film never ceases to stop entertaining, or at the very least keep you interested. With twists and turns from every direction and a hilarious and discerning as well as brutal and sad ending finishes the film off with a bang. Certainly rape, murder, backstabbing, kidnapping and the rest of the horrors this film has to offer isn’t funny, but one cannot help but laugh with its groovy soundtrack and funny dialogue. It’s hard to take seriously, but very easy to enjoy. There are so many things going on in this movie that it warrants more than one viewing.

So, so, so, so, so good.

Maybe I sounded excited to watch Night of the Comet a few hours ago, but that was before I realized how much I hate valley girls. The movie starts off with some pretty decent voiceover work, explaining how the comet hasn’t been seen in 60-someoddm million years ago. Then come the shots of the entire town celebrating and parading the comet’s descent. God, all that hair. Sometimes I forget how terrible the 80’s style really was. Everyone looks like acid headed witches. It makes me sick. With that said I’m glad girls don’t play video games anymore because the opening shots of Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart of The Last Starfighter and Weekend at Bernie’s fame) are some of the most unattractive viewings. She’s giving some shitty video game you’ve never heard of all she’s got. We find out not only is the bitch an usher and is supposed to be working, but she’s got almost ever high score on there, except for one; DMK’s 6^th place record. I wish I was that good at anything. Her boss tells her to get to the projection room and ‘they better not fuck!’ or something. In comes Larry who is trying to bootleg “It Came From Outer Space”, oh how clever! He makes a joke about having sex with her, she retorts and he makes a joke about Superman and then the unthinkable happens. She corrects him on his incorrectness regarding Superman’s ability to see through steel, the walls they are about to fuck between (like I spoiled anything…).

Then we are introduced to her sister, Samantha who is at a house party, she gets in a fight with her cheating stepmother Gloria. Both rip on each other and there is a painful moment of awkward acting. The two slap each other, and Gloria returns a haymaker Samantha’s way. She quickly tells that asshole (Samantha’s words, not mine) Brian she’s glad she doesn’t have kids. What-a-bitch.

Now the movie magic begins. The comet emits a hazy acid trip on the viewers, and turns them into dust. Here we take the surprisingly great pleasure of eerie empty shots of the city. Streets are covered in reddish dust and clothing of those who died there. The sky holds a red glare that resembles a constant sunset. Cars are still parked; some are even on playing music. The emptiness creates a truly desolate atmosphere that allows the viewer to take a glimpse of the possible post-apocalyptic world. There is a nice scene where an automated machine clown starts moving its arms in the empty street; Scary stuff. It’s a shame I have to see that dumb bitch Regina again.

Apparently Larry and Regina slept through the whole night in the projection room. Larry is a pimp, but an angry pimp. He still hasn’t gotten his copy of “It Came From Outer Space”. So he goes outside to see if whoever got it is returning it. In comes the zombie with a wrench. Clonk! Larry starts to twitch and what comes next is awesome, just awesome. The zombie does what I think is another bash with the wrench, but it lands nowhere near Larry, who in turn bobs his head from the nonexistent contact. Regina goes to check on Larry, after she knocks DMK out of the 6^th spot and apparently into no spot. Wouldn’t she have to play at least 6 games to do that? She sure showed him. Anyways, she gets locked out and proceeds to the back of the multiplex. She finds Larry’s keys and proceeds to his motorbike until a zombie in bright orange pops out from the empty boxes holding a large piece of meat. She warns him that she’s trained to defend herself from this. She throws the keys at the motorbike for some reason, and then kicks the shit out of the zombie. The music kicks in, and it’s got a large devo-jazz to it. It’s hysterical. They start to dance real close until she breaks loose and hops on the bike, traveling the empty city somewhat puzzled, but not enough to have a truly worried look on her face. The dumb bitch even stops next to an empty car at an intersection rocking her head to the 80’s pop coming from it. Are you serious? How can I give a shit about anyone that stupid? At this point I’m praying for her to die like Larry did, or hopefully better.

She meets up with her sister, who slept in a steel shed apparently for the hell of it since she had no where else to go, and they went to the radio station thinking the DJ was there. They meet Hector, a suave trucker. He inspects the girls, and then puts the moves on Regina. It was a moment in awkward sexual tension history. It turns out Regina’s dad is a Green Beret and her and Samantha know how to fire a gun or two. Too bad the only thing they shoot is a fucking car, and some losers in a mall but I’ll get to them later.

After this the movie hits a bunch of roadblocks and seems to get trapped in a maze. It doesn’t know where to go and where to stay. The addition of a think tank that’s also been infected was a little troublesome. Samantha has a scary dream about some zombie cops pulling her over (she did some drinking on the empty highways, naughty, naughty). The zombie grabs her head from the window and she starts clawing at his hand. Blood starts to flow. My eyes widen and I realize I’ve witnessed the first truly violent and worthwhile moment of the film. I get a sign of relief, too bad it won’t last long. Samantha screams, wakes up and heads to the bathroom.

“The way this movies been going, this is probably another dream, wait what is she doing? Is she taking a shower? But there is only a sink… Wait is that a cop? Is this… another… dream? Ah FUCK!”

That’s right, a double dream, so obvious that it’s overly long timeline is painful. I feel like the filmmakers gave me the finger, a big “Fuck you!”. The think tank needed blood from the survivors to create a cure, but one its members who is an insanely tall freak show of a woman is starting to lose ‘memery’ and thinks that it’s hopeless. Yeah, she’s gonna kill herself later. God I’m remembering the structure of this movie and it’s so outrageously unorganized it’s quite funny. From here it hops back and forth between Hector, Regina and her sister and the think tank. Hector tries to save his family (and ends up getting chased by a fucking zombie boy, PUSSY!) and Regina and Samantha go shopping. That’s right, shopping. Valley Girls make even the apocalypse boring.

So now their shopping at a mall (so right there…DAWN) and dancing for a good 2 minutes; 2 minutes that I’m seriously debating turning the movie off until I see that someone is watching them. It’s the punks who used to work there but now ‘own’ it and are upset that Regina and Samantha are stealing, which is beyond a doubt one of the lamest things I’ve ever witnessed. But it’s not a surprise considering the losers that come down look like 80’s computer nerds with devo punk-wear. I guess it’s not hard to look like a badass when there are only a few people left in the world.

After some cute gunplay in the mall, the half zombified stock boys are slain by the research group who has come for the sisters. They meet up with two children also gathered by the think tank. The tall psycho woman kills Samantha and then her partner. Hector arrives dressed as Santa (its Christmas!) at the radio station with gifts for Regina and Samantha. I don’t care. He gets the information from the huge ugly bitch about their plan before she kills herself with some injection. He concocts a truly genius plan. He lures the guard at the research center to the trunk, where Samantha is there waiting to punch him. Yeah, turns out she wasn’t dead; further proof Hector is a fuckin’ pussy.

Whatever, they escape, a car blows up, it’s not important at all. A storm arrives the next day washing all dust and clothes away purifying the streets with a ‘forever rain’ sort of smell. The kids, Regina and Hector are all dressed up, the girl is still holding the teddy bear she arrived at the research center with, and the boy still has his football. Samantha is looking like a whore all by herself. They drag this stupid bit about the lights on the intersection when none other than DMK rolls along in his nice car. Samantha basically gives herself to him and they all roll away happy as ever. Hector and the gang throw the pigskin around. He’s got one hell of an arm; I bet he’ll make the team this year!

Honestly, I wanted to like this movie, there are parts that I liked and my experience wasn’t a bad one, It was rather laughable in many ways. It was hit and miss with its jokes, some of which are great some of which are bad but still funny; it has an authentic 80’s feel. If that’s enough to warrant a watch, then be my guest. It’s just hard to like a movie that’s about a bunch of uninteresting people alone in an empty city with hardly any zombies to boot. Most of it’s supposed to be taken with a campy attitude. It’s just rather difficult to do it with its poorly structured unoriginal story. There are too few zombies to make it a zombie movie. Day of the Dead did the whole “empty/ruined city” thing a whole lot better, and why even bother incorporating a mall? Dawn perfected it. They had a better mall and they had a better gang in it. It’s hard not to mention Dawn when there is a mall in a zombie flick. The zombies have an Evil Dead look to them which makes the brief appearances they make worthwhile. It’s unfocused, unorganized and rather undefined. Why bother with this when you can find a movie that has done anything Night of the Comet did, only better. My advice: Don’t, well maybe once.